Mile Marker 43

As many are aware, I commute every weekday to Tech law school.  And sometimes the 40 minute commute seems like 3 hours.  Needless to say there isn't much to look at, except for in the mornings when I get to witness God paint the morning sky.  But, other than that its West Texas, it is flat open fields most of the drive.  I am not complaining, it actually gives me lots of time to think and reflect.  Unfortunately, I had not been utilizing that time the best way I could, until yesterday as I passed mile marker 43.

Law school is obviously stressful, you are forced to think in a different way than you ever have before, and you are challenged in ways that you have never been before.  It most certainly is a transition that takes time to get adjusted too.  I quickly found myself overwhelmed and constantly being anxious and playing the "what if's" out in my head over and over again.  I also found that I focused my entire commutes on worrying about stuff that I can't control regarding law school.  For instance, the curve.

For those who don't know about the curve, here is a brief depiction;

Law schools utilize a curve for each class,  the curve is just like a regular bell curve and thus a few people get A's most people get B's and C's and a few get D's.  Obviously, everyone is striving for those A's.  Also, it should be noted that in law school classes you take one exam at the end of the semester and that is your grade.  But, say I made a 93 on the exam, that doesn't mean I get an A.  The curve dictates only so many people can get an A.  Thus, if only 7 people can get an A and there are 7 grades higher than a 93, they get an A, and I more than likely get a B.

So not only have I been worrying about grades, keeping up to date with the demanding readings, trying to transition to legal writing and legal research, but also trying to be the best mom and wife I can be.  It is safe to say I stay busy.  As a matter of fact, the first three weeks of law school I went to sleep at 12:30am and woke up at 4:30 or 5:00am.   Ridiculous, I know.

I got into this vicious cycle of trying to plan my entire day (literally every 30 minutes of my day was planned).  Planning every 30 minutes is pretty stinkin hard, especially when your in law school and the work load is enormous at times.  I quickly found my self constantly thinking and stressing.  My mind stayed in "law school mode" for the first three weeks of school.  My stressing, and thinking of how I could fix my transition became constant, especially during my commutes.  Until yesterday, at mile marker 43.

Yesterday, I felt so troubled by the weight of stress I was carrying, and I began praying. God spoke to me.  I finally just told God, " I can't do this God, I know its your plan, but its too much" and as soon as I finished my sentence relief came over me, I literally felt the stress lifted.  And I had a "duh Brenda" moment.  As I had that moment, I looked up and was passing mile marker 43.

So what was my realization? It was something I already knew but am bad about doing.  Ya see, I always try to fix my problems and other peoples problems.  I also try to control my surroundings to the best of my ability, I always like to have a plan.  Furthermore, I am guilty of trying to take back control from God.  I gave my life, my entire life to him years ago, but time to time human nature gets the best of me and I try to take some control back.  I was reminded Tuesday that, I need to spend more time listening to God's plan, instead of trying to construct my own plan.  I don't know about you, but some of the worst times in my life have been when I tried to follow my own plan.

I kept talking to God, and the more I talked the more I realized.  I realized not only had I not been seeking to find God's plan, but that God wouldn't put me up to something that he wouldn't bring me through.  I also realized instead of stressing about things, I should do as God says and cast my worries and fears upon Him! Not only should I, but God will gladly carry my burdens just as Jesus carried the totality of human sin at the cross!  Since then, I have been well rested, I have been happier, and I have been less stressed!

Today I take comfort knowing that I do not know what all law school will throw my way, but I'm okay with that. Because, just as in any other area of my life, God will be there to pick me up when I fall, to encourage me, to use me to exemplify his love, and nothing can separate me from his love.